{"id":250,"date":"2020-08-01T21:01:23","date_gmt":"2020-08-01T21:01:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/practicaltherapyofedmonds.com\/?p=250"},"modified":"2020-08-01T21:01:23","modified_gmt":"2020-08-01T21:01:23","slug":"conflict-resolution-skills","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/practicaltherapyofedmonds.com\/?p=250","title":{"rendered":"Conflict Resolution Skills"},"content":{"rendered":"

Conflict Resolution Skills<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Many couples are immediately interested in conflict resolution skills.\u00a0 They say it\u2019s about communication, and yes<\/span>,<\/span> communication is a huge part of resolution but not the only skill necessary to resolve conflict.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Yet, this is my favorite place to start:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Assertive Communication!<\/b><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Assertive Communication is about expressing needs.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The following is called the Assertive Script:<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I feel_______(this emotion)______________________________.<\/b><\/p>\n

When _____(this happens; avoiding \u201cYou Statements\u201d)______.<\/b><\/p>\n

And I need____________________________________________.<\/b><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

So for a couple of examples:<\/span><\/p>\n

I feel frustrated<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

When I cannot find the keys<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Please put the keys on the hooks by the door.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I feel guilty, I\u2019m sorry<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

For lying to you<\/span><\/i>.<\/span><\/i>\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

I need your patience to prove to you my promise<\/span><\/i>.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This simple script gives opportunity for empathy, specifics and action-planning!!\u00a0 It also gives the opportunity to \u201cparrot\u201d your partner; JUST REPEATING what the other said can avoid so many issues.\u00a0 This also provides validation that you\u2019re taking your partner seriously.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

But what is this about \u201cpromises<\/span>,<\/span>\u201d you ask??\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Good question as it segues into the next Conflict Resolution Skill:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Apology Process.<\/b><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Yes, an apology is more than words; it\u2019s a process!<\/span><\/p>\n

The second example provided above covers most of the necessities<\/span>:<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Acknowledgement (lying to you).\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. Apology (admission of guilt using literal words).<\/span><\/li>\n
  3. Promise (will never lie again).<\/span><\/li>\n
  4. PROOF.\u00a0 Unfortunately this takes <\/span>time <\/span><\/i>to prove anything.\u00a0 This is exactly where Forgiveness can come into play!!<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    As you may recall from a previous blog entry, Forgiveness is a cognitive decision to release expectations and adjust boundaries.\u00a0 So during the time it takes to prove something there needs to be efforts witnessed.\u00a0 These efforts are explored and defined by each spouse and the therapist.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

    Next Resolution Skill is the classic:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    Time-Out!<\/b>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    In my experience when discussing time-outs I always hear how \u201cincomplete\u201d they are.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    People often know how to retreat into a different part of the home when the argument becomes too intense for productivity.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    But just as often, they don\u2019t know what to do <\/span>during<\/span><\/i> their time-out.<\/span><\/p>\n

    I encourage them to simply fill out the assertive script before returning to the discussion to increase probability of productivity. Without the script we could return to the same intensity level quickly, with the added disappointment and discouragement from a failed time-out.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

    It\u2019s important to be accountable for your mistakes.\u00a0 Irresponsible people are inherently unsafe.\u00a0 We can have a million irresponsible friends; no one is perfect.\u00a0 But we cannot be surprised or offended when they act irresponsibly. So don\u2019t depend on the irresponsible, thus do not commit a lifetime or reproduce with an irresponsible person.\u00a0 If you have already done so we go about a different route to \u201cteach each other how to treat each other\u201d.\u00a0 If that doesn\u2019t work that is in and of itself data to seriously consider before making another life decision.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

    Accountability provides safety.\u00a0 And it\u2019s not about perfection.\u00a0 When we are accountable<\/span>,<\/span> we can make and address our mistakes; but not when we deny them.\u00a0 When we deny our mistakes or our contribution to a tumultuous situation we have no empowerment to influence the end results.\u00a0 When we are powerless, we become hopeless.\u00a0 Being responsible isn\u2019t about being the boss of everyone; it\u2019s about effort.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

    Validation is the other necessary component for love and trust development.\u00a0 Validation is not about agreement!\u00a0 It\u2019s stating, \u201cI understand your line of logic,\u201d even if it differs from my own, even if it\u2019s just wrong!\u00a0 That statement is so validating as it lowers defenses to allow other opinions to enter, other opinions<\/span> to consider because one feels understood by the other.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

    People just want to be understood.\u00a0 Understood for their mistakes and their logic.\u00a0 People want to be good and behave well.\u00a0 That\u2019s why active-listening gives that opportunity for Validation.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

    Active Listening<\/b><\/p>\n

    I always suggest eye contact and maybe even physical contact when appropriate.<\/span><\/p>\n

    Parroting or repeating their assertive script diminishes misunderstanding.<\/span><\/p>\n

    Asking clarifying or follow-up questions relevant to the assertive script or issue.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

    All these suggestions indicate to your partner you are giving them 100% of your attention.\u00a0 That you are taking your partner seriously.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Conflict Resolution Skills   Many couples are immediately interested in conflict resolution skills.\u00a0 They say it\u2019s about communication, and yes, communication is a huge part of resolution but not the only skill necessary to resolve conflict.\u00a0\u00a0 Yet, this is my favorite place to start:\u00a0 Assertive Communication!   Assertive Communication is about expressing needs.\u00a0 The following…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/practicaltherapyofedmonds.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/250"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/practicaltherapyofedmonds.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/practicaltherapyofedmonds.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/practicaltherapyofedmonds.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/practicaltherapyofedmonds.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=250"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/practicaltherapyofedmonds.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/250\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":252,"href":"https:\/\/practicaltherapyofedmonds.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/250\/revisions\/252"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/practicaltherapyofedmonds.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=250"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/practicaltherapyofedmonds.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=250"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/practicaltherapyofedmonds.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=250"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}