Yes, there are books and books (and now social media and the internet) about boundaries. Here’s how I break the concept down so you can use it!
Boundaries keep Self and others safe. Emotions tell us about the status of our boundaries: crossed, respected, ignored. Boundaries can be physical or mental.
Physical boundaries
Physical boundaries include time, frequency, distance and your body.
Mental boundaries
Mental boundaries show up in communication, when:
- a yes is received with follow-up,
- a no is received with respect and trust,
- a maybe is received with understanding and curiosity,
- an “I don’t know” is received with patience and creativity.
Yeses are easy enough. Noes really challenge trust, so they get more complicated. Maybes and I-don’t-knows need attention just as much, not to be left to frustration.
Identify, express AND enforce
I capitalize AND because people forget that having boundaries isn’t enough; you have to express and enforce them. When you’re new to this, you’ll likely feel guilty while expressing and enforcing them. That’s when I start working on the difference between true guilt and false guilt.
Oh my gawd, April, what is false guilt?
That’s a topic for another tool.
Why safety is the big deal
So why use boundaries to become and stay safe?
- Without it, we can’t be curious.
- Without it, we become emotionally stunted, relying on survival instincts and denial.
- Without it, we can’t take healthy risks (yes, risk is as dangerous as it is necessary).
The human condition is curious and emotional, and it revels in risk.
Ask yourself now: do you feel safe? Do you let others feel safe? If you answered no to either, I can help with that, if you’re so inclined.
Related tools: Forgiveness and Conflict Resolution Skills.