People often don’t understand what forgiveness is, or what it even looks like. This is how I break it down for my clients:
It’s a cognition, not an emotion
It’s a conscious decision about how you’ll be treated in a relationship. The feelings come much later, usually as some form of relief.
It’s not about accepting or forgetting
It doesn’t mean accepting the offenses or forgetting the abuse.
It’s about releasing expectations and adjusting boundaries
We release the expectation that the offender should have, or could have, treated us better. And we adjust the time, space and frequency of our exposure to that relationship.
People have often heard that forgiveness is related to anger. I agree, because I connect anger to unmet needs and unmet expectations. We’re often encouraged to let go of our anger, and letting go of our expectations is how we do it.
Anger gets the most attention in pop psychology, but anger management is really emotional management, because anger is only one of four emotions that motivate us toward change.
Psychotherapy provides validation and accountability through this process, because at first forgiveness can seem unfair and unjust. It takes consistent support until the relief arrives.
Related tools: Apologies and Boundaries.