Many couples come in wanting conflict resolution skills right away. They say it’s about communication, and yes, communication is a huge part of it, but it isn’t the only skill you need to resolve conflict. Still, it’s my favorite place to start.
Assertive communication
Assertive communication is about expressing needs. This is the assertive script:
I feel ______ (this emotion) when ______ (this happens; avoid “you” statements) and I need ______.
A couple of examples:
- “I feel frustrated when I can’t find the keys. Please put the keys on the hooks by the door.”
- “I feel guilty, and I’m sorry for lying to you. I need your patience while I prove my promise to you.”
This simple script creates room for empathy, specifics and an action plan. It also lets you “parrot” your partner: just repeating what they said can head off so many problems, and it shows you’re taking your partner seriously.
The apology process
But what’s this about promises? Good question, because it leads to the next skill. An apology is more than words; it’s a process. The second example above covers most of it:
- Acknowledgement (“lying to you”).
- Apology (admitting it in plain words).
- Promise (“I will never lie again”).
- Proof. Unfortunately, proving anything takes time. This is exactly where forgiveness comes in.
As I wrote in Forgiveness, forgiveness is a conscious decision to release expectations and adjust boundaries. While proof is being built, efforts need to be seen. Each partner and the therapist explore and define what those efforts look like.
Time-outs
Next is the classic time-out. When I bring up time-outs, I always hear how incomplete they feel. People know how to retreat to another room when an argument gets too heated to be productive, but they often don’t know what to do during the time-out.
I encourage them to fill out the assertive script before coming back to the conversation. Without it, things can return to the same intensity quickly, with the added disappointment of a failed time-out.
Accountability
It’s important to be accountable for your mistakes. Irresponsible people are inherently unsafe. We can have a million irresponsible friends, since no one is perfect, but we can’t be surprised or offended when they act irresponsibly. So don’t depend on irresponsible people, and think hard before building a life or a family with one. If you already have, we take a different route: teaching each other how to treat each other. If that doesn’t work, that in itself is information to take seriously before your next big decision.
Accountability provides safety, and it isn’t about perfection. When we’re accountable, we can make and address our mistakes; when we deny them, we can’t. Denying our part in a difficult situation leaves us no power to influence how it ends. When we feel powerless, we become hopeless. Being responsible isn’t about being the boss of everyone; it’s about effort.
Validation
Validation is the other necessary ingredient for love and trust. Validation is not agreement! It’s saying, “I understand your line of logic,” even if it differs from mine, even if it’s just wrong. That lowers defenses and makes room for other opinions, because the other person feels understood.
People just want to be understood, for their mistakes and for their logic. People want to be good and behave well. Active listening gives them that chance.
Active listening
- Make eye contact, and even physical contact when appropriate.
- Parrot, or repeat back, your partner’s assertive script to avoid misunderstanding.
- Ask clarifying or follow-up questions about the script or the issue.
All of these tell your partner they have 100% of your attention and that you take them seriously.
Related tools: Apologies and Forgiveness.