I want to address a very common desire my clients express one way or another: “I just want to be a good person. How do I be a good person?”
There are many philosophers, today and through history, and I have my opinions too. There are three elements I impress on my clients to foster this desire: accountability, validation and effort.
These aren’t buzzwords to me. Many other words could fit under these umbrellas, but these are the concepts I cultivate, and they apply to every relationship with Self and others.
To support this, look at attachment theory, where Bowlby and Ainsworth examined warmth and structure in child-rearing. I broke warmth and structure down to understand what each actually looks like.
- Structure is best seen through accountability. Accountability looks like follow-through, follow-up and consistency, and it includes consequences, good and bad.
- Warmth is best seen through validation. Validation looks like compliments, pride, praise, recognition, apologies, thank-yous, and being present in the other person’s pain.
- Effort is the time, money and energy invested in a relationship. It accepts the learning curve that comes with forming new habits and breaking old ones. This is where forgiveness can be practiced.
Accountability cultivates trust with Self and others. Validation cultivates love for Self and others. Effort is the catalyst that makes it work. I expand on how to apply each one in session.
Love and trust
It’s as sad as it is common: clients don’t always recognize that though there is ample, sincere love in a relationship, trust is lacking. And it isn’t always as obvious as infidelity or lying.
Love is unconditional. That’s why it’s so beautiful; some say magical. To be accepted with no strings attached is inviting and encouraging. It feels safe to be your awkward, imperfect Self.
Trust has many demanding conditions. Yes, there’s some pressure here, and that’s appropriate. We trust more easily when the other person is predictable, and predictability is shaped by consistency. We trust more easily when the other person owns their faults and mistakes, which gives us a chance to move forward with awareness and hope. Being predictable and accountable creates safety, and we trust better when we feel safe.
“How do I prove that I’m sorry? That I love him?”
It’s not as romantic as the movies. Movies are meant to entertain us. I apologize when the only answer I have is accountability, validation and effort. Over and over again. And over again. Then again. See how that’s not so romantic or entertaining?
My job is to support your attempts at these three elements, and to help you build and keep momentum. One way I do that is through anxiety management, because no one actually likes to wait patiently for change, growth and improvement.
Related tools: Forgiveness and Apologies.