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AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS & DISTORTIONS

The Self-Esteem Workbook ; Recognize and Replace Self-Defeating Thoughts

Whenever an upsetting event occurs, automatic thoughts (ATs) run through our minds.  Although we’re each capable of thinking reasonably about upsetting events, sometimes our automatic thoughts are distorted – or unreasonably negative.  Distorted ATs occur so rapidly that we hardly notice them, let alone stop to question them. Yet these AT’s profoundly affect our moods and our sense of worth.  In this section, you’ll learn to catch these distortions, challenge their logic, and replace them with thoughts that more closely align with reality instead of thoughts that depress.  

 

ASSUMING

In these circumstances, we assume the worst without testing the evidence.  For instance, in the example above John assumed that the boss’ scowl meant he was angry with John.  John could have tested this assumption by simply asking, “Boss, are you angry with me?”  

Assuming self-talk would also be when you tell yourself, “I know I won’t enjoy myself,” or “I know I’ll do a lousy job even though I’m prepared.” More reasonable self-talk would be: “I might or might not enjoy myself (do a good job, etc.). I’m willing to experiment and see what happens.”

 

SHOULDS (MUSTS/OUGHTS)

Shoulds (musts/oughts) are demands we make of ourselves.  For example: “I should be a perfect lover”; I must not make mistakes”; “I should have known better”; or “I should be happy and never depressed or tired.”  We think that we motivate ourselves with such statements.  Usually, however, we just feel worse (e.g., since I should be so and so, and I’m not that way, I then feel inadequate, frustrated, ashamed, and hopeless).

Perhaps one of the only reasonable “shoulds” is that humans “should” be fallible, just as we are, given our background, our imperfect understanding, and our present skill levels.  If we really knew better (i.e., if we clearly understood the advantages of certain behaviors, and were perfectly capable of behaving that way), then we would be better. One solution, then, is to replace “shoulds” with “woulds” or “coulds” (It would be nice if I did that.  I wonder how I could do that).  Or replace “shoulds” with “want to’s”  (I want to do that because it is to my advantage, not because someone is telling me I should or must).

 

THE FAIRYTALE FANTASY

The fairytale fantasy means demanding the ideal from life.  This is really a special type of “should.” “That’s not fair!” or “Why did that have to happen?” often means “The world shouldn’t be the way it is.”  In reality, bad and unfair things happen to good people – sometimes randomly, sometimes because of the unreasonableness of others, and sometimes because of our own imperfections.  To expect that the world be different is to invite disappointment.  To expect that others treat us fairly, when they often have their own ideas about what is fair, is also to invite disappointment.  Again, a “would” or a “could” is a wise substitute for a “should” (e.g., “It would be nice if things were ideal, but they’re not.  Too bad.  Now, I wonder what I could do to improve things”).

 

ALL or NOTHING THINKING

With all or nothing thinking you hold yourself to the impossible standard of perfection (or something close to it).  When you fall short of this standard, you conclude that you are a total failure as a person.  For example, “If I’m not the best, I’m a flop”; “If I’m not performing perfectly, I’m a loser”; “If I score below 90% I’m a failure”; “A rough edge means I’m all bad.”  This is unreasonable because such absolute, black and white extremes rarely exist.  Even if it were possible to perform perfectly (it isn’t), performing below some standard usually means we’ve performed at 80% – rarely at 0 percent.  And poor performance never makes a complex person worthless, just fallible.  Ask yourself, “Why must I bat one thousand?”

 

OVERGENERALIZING 

Overgeneralizing is deciding that negative experiences describe your life completely.  For example, “I always ruin everything”; “I always get rejected in love”; “No one likes me; everybody hates me”; “I never do well at math.” Such global statements are unkind, depressing, and usually inaccurate to some degree.  The antidote is to use more precise language: “Some of my skills are not yet well developed”; I’m not as tactful in some social situations as I’d like”; “Sometimes people don’t approve of me (sometimes some people do)”; “Although some aspects of my life haven’t gone well, that doesn’t mean I never do reasonably well.”  Be a healthy optimist: expect to find small ways to improve situations and notice what’s going well.  

 

LABELING

Here you give yourself a label, or name, as though a single word describes a person completely.  For example: “I’m such a loser”; I’m stupid”; “I’m dumb”; “I’m boring.” To say, “I am stupid” means I always, in every way, am stupid.  In fact, some people who behave quite stupidly at times, also behave quite intelligently at other times.  Because humans are too complex for simple labels, confine labels to behaviors (e.g., “That was a silly thing to do.”), or ask, “Am I always stupid? Sometimes, perhaps, but not always.”

 

DWELLING on the NEGATIVE

Suppose you go to a party and notice that a guest has dog poop on his shoe. The more you think about it, the more uncomfortable you get. In this distortion, you focus in on the negative aspects of a situation, while ignoring the positive aspects. So the whole situation looks negative.  Other examples: “How can I feel good about the day when I was criticized?”; “How can I enjoy life when my children have problems?”; “How can I feel good about myself when I make mistakes?”; “The steak is burnt – the meal is ruined!”  A solution to this habit is to re-examine your options: “Would I enjoy thing more (and feel better about myself) if I chose a different focus?”; “What pleasing things could I still find to enjoy?”; “What would I think on a good day?”; “How would someone with sound self-esteem view this situation?”

 

REJECTING the POSITIVE

Dwelling on the negative overlooks positive aspects.  Here we actually negate positives so that our self-esteem remains low.  For example, someone compliments your work.  You reply, “Oh, it was really nothing.  Anyone could do that.” You discount the fact that you’ve worked long and effectively.  No wonder accomplishments aren’t fun.  You could just as easily have replied, “Thanks” (and tell yourself, “I do deserve special credit for doing this difficult and boring task”).  You would give a loved one or friend credit where it’s due.  Why not do yourself the same favor?

 

UNFAVORABLE COMPARISONS

Suppose you had an unusual magnifying glass that magnified some things (like your faults and mistakes, or the strengths of others) and shrunk others (like your strengths, and the mistakes of others). In comparison to others, you would always seem inadequate or inferior – always coming out on the short end of the stick.  

For example, you think to yourself: “I’m only a housewife and mother” (minimizing your strengths).  Jan’s a rich, bright lawyer” (magnifying another’s strengths).  Your friend replies: “But you’re an excellent homemaker.  You’ve been great with your kids.  Jan’s an alcoholic.” To which you respond: “Yes, but (minimizing another’s faults and your accomplishments) look at the cases she’s won! She’s the one who really contributes! (Magnifying another’s strengths.)” 

A way to challenge this distortion is to ask, “Why must I compare? Why can’t I just appreciate that each person has unique strengths and weaknesses? Another’s contributions are not necessarily better, just different.”

 

CATASTROPHIZING

When you believe that something is a catastrophe, you tell yourself that it is so horrible and awful that “I can’t stand it!”  In telling ourselves this, we convince ourselves that we are too feeble to cope with life.  For example, “I couldn’t stand it if she were to leave me.  It would be awful!” Although many things are unpleasant, inconvenient, and difficult, we can really stand anything short of being steamrolled to death, as Albert Ellis has said.  So one might think, “I don’t like this, but I certainly can stand it.”

Asking the following questions will challenge the belief that something will be a catastrophe:

• What are the odds of this happening?
• If it does happen, how likely is it to do me in?
• If the worst happens, what will I do? (Anticipating a problem and formulating an action plan increases one’s sense of confidence.)
• one hundred years from now, will anyone care about this?

 

PERSONALIZING

Personalizing is seeing yourself as more involved in negative events than you really are.  For example, a student drops out of college and the mother concludes, “It’s my fault.”  A husband takes full responsibility for his spouse’s fatigue or anger, or for a divorce.  Here the ego is so involved that each event becomes a test of worth.  There are two helpful antidotes to this distortion:  

• Distinguish influences from causes.  Sometimes we can influence others’ decisions, but the final decision is theirs, not ours.
• Look realistically for other influences outside of ourselves.  For example, instead of thinking, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do this?” one might say, “This is a difficult task.  The help I need isn’t here, it’s noisy, and I’m tired.” Instead of thinking, “Why is he snapping at me?” One might say, “Maybe I’m not the central character.  Maybe he’s mad at the world today.)

 

BLAMING

Blaming is the opposite of personalizing.  Whereas personalizing puts all the responsibility on yourself for your difficulties, blaming puts it all on something outside yourself.  For example:

• He makes me so mad!
• She has ruined my life and my self-esteem
• I am a loser because of my crummy childhood

The problem with blaming, much like catastrophizing, is that it tends to make us think of ourselves as helpless victims who are too powerless to cope.  The antidote to blaming is to acknowledge outside influences, but to take responsibility for your own welfare: “Yes, his behavior was unjust and unfair, but I don’t have to turn bitter and cynical.  I am better than that.”

Notice that the person with self-esteem is free to assume realistic responsibility.  He will acknowledge what is his responsibility and what is not. However, when one takes responsibility, it is for a behavior or a choice, not for being bad to the core.  Thus, one might say, “I performed poorly on that exam because I did not study enough.  Next time I’ll plan better.” There is no judging the core self here, only behaviors.  

 

MAKING FEELINGS FACTS

Making feelings facts is taking one’s feelings as proof of the way things really are.  For example:

• I feel like such a loser.  I must be hopeless.
• I feel ashamed and bad.  I must be bad.
• I feel inadequate.  I must be inadequate.   
• I feel worthless. I must be worthless.  

 

Yes, there are books and books (and now social media and the internet, etc.) about Boundaries.  Here’s how I break down this concept for application!

 

BOUNDARIES

Boundaries keep Self and Others Safe.

Emotions give us information about our Boundary Status: crossed, respected, ignored, etc.  

Boundaries can be physical and mental.

 

Examples of physical boundaries:

Time

Frequency

Distance

Body

 

Examples of mental boundaries are in the form of Communication:

 

When yes’s are received with follow-up

When no’s are received with respect and trust

When maybe’s are received with understanding and curiosity

When I don’t know’s are received with patience and creativity

 

Yes’s are easy enough.

The no’s really challenge trust issues so that can get more complicated.

Maybe’s and I don’t know’s need to be addressed just as much as the others, not left to frustration.  

If you’d appreciate elaboration or assistance with identifying, expressing AND enforcing Boundaries, hit up my calendar and we’ll continue from there-

 

I capitalized AND because people tend to forget that having boundaries isn’t enough; one must express and enforce them.  And when one is new to this concept one tends to feel guilty during expression and enforcement.  This is when I begin to work on the distinction between True and False Guilt.

  Oh my gawd, April – what is False Guilt??  

I’m posting another blog about that one under, “Emotional Management 101.”

 

Why are we trying to use Boundaries to become and stay Safe?  What’s the big deal about Safety?

Without it one cannot be curious.

Without it one becomes emotionally stunted, relying on survival instincts and denial mechanisms.  

Without it one cannot take healthy risks (yes, risk is as dangerous as it is necessary).

The human condition is curious and emotional and revels in risk.

 

Ask yourself now if you feel safe?  Do you let others feel safe? If you answered no to either one of these questions I can help you with that, if you’re so inclined.

Conflict Resolution Skills

 

Many couples are immediately interested in conflict resolution skills.  They say it’s about communication, and yes, communication is a huge part of resolution but not the only skill necessary to resolve conflict.  

Yet, this is my favorite place to start: 

Assertive Communication!

 

Assertive Communication is about expressing needs. 

The following is called the Assertive Script:

 

I feel_______(this emotion)______________________________.

When _____(this happens; avoiding “You Statements”)______.

And I need____________________________________________.

 

So for a couple of examples:

I feel frustrated

When I cannot find the keys

Please put the keys on the hooks by the door.

 

I feel guilty, I’m sorry

For lying to you. 

I need your patience to prove to you my promise.

 

This simple script gives opportunity for empathy, specifics and action-planning!!  It also gives the opportunity to “parrot” your partner; JUST REPEATING what the other said can avoid so many issues.  This also provides validation that you’re taking your partner seriously.  

 

But what is this about “promises,” you ask?? 

Good question as it segues into the next Conflict Resolution Skill: 

Apology Process.

 

Yes, an apology is more than words; it’s a process!

The second example provided above covers most of the necessities: 

1. Acknowledgement (lying to you).  
2. Apology (admission of guilt using literal words).
3. Promise (will never lie again).
4. PROOF.  Unfortunately this takes time to prove anything.  This is exactly where Forgiveness can come into play!!

As you may recall from a previous blog entry, Forgiveness is a cognitive decision to release expectations and adjust boundaries.  So during the time it takes to prove something there needs to be efforts witnessed.  These efforts are explored and defined by each spouse and the therapist.  

 

Next Resolution Skill is the classic: 

Time-Out! 

In my experience when discussing time-outs I always hear how “incomplete” they are.  

People often know how to retreat into a different part of the home when the argument becomes too intense for productivity.  

But just as often, they don’t know what to do during their time-out.

I encourage them to simply fill out the assertive script before returning to the discussion to increase probability of productivity. Without the script we could return to the same intensity level quickly, with the added disappointment and discouragement from a failed time-out.  

 

It’s important to be accountable for your mistakes.  Irresponsible people are inherently unsafe.  We can have a million irresponsible friends; no one is perfect.  But we cannot be surprised or offended when they act irresponsibly. So don’t depend on the irresponsible, thus do not commit a lifetime or reproduce with an irresponsible person.  If you have already done so we go about a different route to “teach each other how to treat each other”.  If that doesn’t work that is in and of itself data to seriously consider before making another life decision.  

 

Accountability provides safety.  And it’s not about perfection.  When we are accountable, we can make and address our mistakes; but not when we deny them.  When we deny our mistakes or our contribution to a tumultuous situation we have no empowerment to influence the end results.  When we are powerless, we become hopeless.  Being responsible isn’t about being the boss of everyone; it’s about effort.  

 

Validation is the other necessary component for love and trust development.  Validation is not about agreement!  It’s stating, “I understand your line of logic,” even if it differs from my own, even if it’s just wrong!  That statement is so validating as it lowers defenses to allow other opinions to enter, other opinions to consider because one feels understood by the other.  

 

People just want to be understood.  Understood for their mistakes and their logic.  People want to be good and behave well.  That’s why active-listening gives that opportunity for Validation.  

 

Active Listening

I always suggest eye contact and maybe even physical contact when appropriate.

Parroting or repeating their assertive script diminishes misunderstanding.

Asking clarifying or follow-up questions relevant to the assertive script or issue.  

All these suggestions indicate to your partner you are giving them 100% of your attention.  That you are taking your partner seriously.

In my experience I have observed 8 root causes of Adolescent Rebellion.

 

1. RIGIDITY, witnessed in lectures, ultimates, absolutes, threats.
2. CONTRADICTIONS, for example, parents can’t swear if the teen is forbade from swearing.  It’s just about respect, thus if the teen is expected to be respectful it is the parents’ obligation to show what respect looks like.
3. UNPRODUCTIVE VOICE, for example, if the teen ever feels invalidated; their voice, their concerns are not heard and are left unheeded. Validation is NOT about agreeing with the teen, it’s about “understanding their line of logic” even if it differs from parents, even if it’s just wrong.  
4. GAPS IN ATTACHMENT, for example, if the teen does not experience validation and accountability the teen will not feel safe and that will inhibit emotional maturity.  This is NOT about Perfection, it’s about Effort!  Try to be accountable, try to be validating.  And when you are not, validate the disappointment and be accountable to your mistakes (own them and try to fix them).  
5. UNMET EXPECTATIONS, for example, the teen expects validation and accountability from significant people in their life and from the world.  This does not always happen so the teen gets angry and rebels against those same significant people and the world.  They kind-of walk around with a slight sense of entitlement.  But I validate that (I don’t verbally agree, I just understand their line of logic). I tell them they do deserve validation and accountability from their parents (or other significant loved ones) and from the world and explain how I understand the disappointment, frustration and pain they must experience with that unmet need; that unmet expectation.  
6. NOT wanting to be a BURDEN.  Rebellion can look differently to different people.  This phenomenon shapes so many people and their behaviors.  They can rebel against themselves and it tends to manifest in self-destructive manners and or people-pleasing behaviors.  
7. PROJECTING anger and distrust of the world onto the safest people in their lives.  Rebellious teens don’t always have abusive or neglectful upbringings; sometimes their parents are really great, or articulate their insights and are efficient with their emotional management and boundaries.  But because life has thrown too many traumas at the family as a whole, like natural disasters, economic depressions, military demands to move frequently, etc., the teen projects their anger at life onto the safest people, typically his or her parents who have proven to always be there during all transitions.  
8. MARITAL DISCORD.  Children and Teens sometimes rebel to distract the couple from their discord, to align the couple for the sake of the teen, or to emotionally absorb the discord and internalize it.  

 

Examine if any of the above applies to your teen and family; ASK your teen and family if any of the above applies.  If you need more elaboration or support, hit up my calendar and we’ll begin there. 

People often do not understand what Forgiveness is or what it even looks like.  

This is how I break it down for my clients:

1. It is a cognition, NOT an emotion.  It is a conscious decision to make regarding the treatment in a relationship.  The “feels” come much later, usually in some form of relief.  
2. It is NOT about accepting or forgetting about anything.  So it is not about accepting the offenses or forgetting about the abuse.
3. It is about Releasing Expectations and Adjusting Boundaries:

We are to release the expectation that the offender should have, could have treated us better; it is adjusting the duration of time, space and/or frequency of exposure to the relationship.  

 

People have often heard Forgiveness is related to Anger.  I concur as I associate anger to unmet needs or unmet expectations.  It is often encouraged to let go of one’s anger; that is the intention with letting go of one’s expectations.

Anger gets the most attention in “popular psychology” or “pop-psych” (when a psychological concept is popular, advertised or sensationalized with the public) but anger management is really Emotional Management as Anger is only one of four emotions that motivate us towards change.  All to be elaborated in an upcoming blog-

 

Psychotherapy helps with the validation and accountability of this process because it may initially seem unfair, unjust.  Thus requiring consistent support until the relief is experienced. 

…are more than just the words, “I’m sorry”.  In fact it’s an entire process but there are only four steps!!

 

 

• Acknowledgement; identifying the offense and how it would affect the other.

• Apology; the words, “I’m sorry”.

• Promise; yes, these are just more words for now.  

• Proof; this is why we tolerate the words.  

 

 

It is the proof of promises that break cycles of “offense – apology- offense – apology, etc.”

It is the proof that satisfies the suspicion, “you’re only sorry you got caught.”

It is the proof that allows for forgiveness to lead to trust development.  

It is the proof that gives the words any meaning! No more empty promises.  

 

Meet with me for further suggestions and support with what the heck proof really looks like!

FYI, psychotherapy has been a great example of proof for my clientele as it gives opportunity for Consistency.  People need proof of Consistenty to alleviate the anxiety of, “I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop”.  People can distrust improvements when there is no Consistency experienced.